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Friday, December 25th, 2009

Time:3:46 am.
 

"i have a feeling ill be in your spot for a very long time myself... to be honest, i wish i never got involved if i knew this is what id be feeling now... another part of me says its better to have loved than to have never loved at all but fuck love... fuck the emotions that it comes with... nobody in life needs to ever feel that.... and that is the truth... i just have absolutely no faith in anything that evolves sharing yourself or your life with someone else who is supposed to share the same amount of them with you..."

"but this just makes you that much stornger"

"its made me not want anything to do with life. thats it. im alive yes... but that doesnt mean i want to be. so stronger? hardly... holding on? closer but barely."



Sunday, October 25th, 2009

Time:7:46 pm.
when we sat down for coffee
i felt like crying
nothing she said made any sense to me
i said please dear elizabeth
dont walk walk away
i know im a sore loser and
that im not very proud to say.
im still always thinking about you
im so lonesome without you
i cant get you out of my mind
i said please my dearest elizabeth
dont leave me here
my soul sat down so tight
just like a stone cold tomb i cant breathe
isnt it clear that when im near you
im just dying to hear you
calling my name, just saying my name
one more time
oh so please dont pay any mind to my watering eyes
it must be something in the air that im barely breathing
just try to ignore the blood on the floor
its just this heart on my shoulder thats bleeding
oh my dearest love
youve found the love that we had...
...was just selfish and sad...
but knowing youre with him now
is just making me mad
oh so kiss him again just to prove to me that you can
ill just stand here by your side with my palm out
ill just stand here and burn in my skin
burning in my skin
ill still be here
standing by your side
with my palm out
burning in my skin.
to stand in your shadow is to be home
ill gladly stand in the shade
ill gladly stand burning in my skin
until I am home.

Tuesday, August 11th, 2009

Time:4:24 pm.
and these sails catch wind that lifts that black anchor from the salt and its home. and we set sail for days and days without the things I am to stay alive. ill see you soon but never soon enough. dont try to find me as this sea is larger than your life - but not mine. this sea consumes me, and these winds feel me, and this season of let down and isolation is lost with me. these heavy winds and high seas bring me down below the surface where no person (passion), nor map (heart) or compass (love) can find me.

cold
dark
and hollow

i am home.

Sunday, June 14th, 2009

Time:4:21 am.
still cant sleep.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Subject:letters ill never send.
Time:12:15 pm.
i came home early to try and sleep a little bit... it lasted for about 20 minutes so Im going to go back... i cant get the thought of this out of my head liz... i dont know what it could ever take besides me being gone forever body and soul to prove to you that you are truly everything to me. the past few years has been extremely rough and tiring for the both of us. i never thought there would be anything we couldnt over come. i know you dont want to hear from me, but i have no one to talk to and i am slowly but surely losing it and I can identify that. i close my eyes and its always visions of us in NY together. this isnt meant to drive you to think about that stuff but its our history together, before we joined the military thats always on my mind... we've put so much into each other i dont know what ill ever do without you. ive come to know so much about you and you about me. And Ive learned a lot about me through you - but there are more things you think you know about me that are not true than what you do know to be correct. I cant help but try to defend myself but i do know that i was wrong in a lot of different ways more so than I was right, and i cant help but blame myself entirely on why this is happening. The idea of not being good enough for you after this long being together... is so beyond words. I know where I have messed up in this relationship, and I know where things shouldnt have gotten to where they did. I know there is room for growth for the both of us. But now, after all this time we've been together, I cant comprehend life without you in it. I cant manage to see what tomorrow will be like, I cant even begin to manage to think Ill ever be able to love someone ever again if its not you. I like to think in a couple years long after all of this has passed that I find you and am able to sit down with you to talk. To talk about everything we did right... and everything we did wrong... Id like to see you reach all your goals that seem to always be changing but I want to see you reach them all. In the past couple of years I have realized that my life is better with you in it. I learn from you and I am envious of your will to push on regardless. I dont like how outside sources have such a profound affect on your way of thinking but when its you thinking alone, I am happy because its you who realizes your love... love that I think you still have. There are memories of you I keep to myself and you dont even know them. Whether its times in your jeep, a particular bathing suit, the way your hair fell, all the little things you do when you think no one is looking, your laugh, of course your smile... My life without those things liz? Isnt a life id rather live. I dont know what all of this writing sounds like and I know youll take it in a different context of sorts. But at the end of the day when I am alone, its you I want next to me. Its you I want to share me with. This is something I will probably never send you. But I am in love with you. Heart, mind, body, and soul - I am yours forever. This is my dedication. If someone ever came into my life Id assure them that they will never live up to you, that they will never get me in full, that they will never feel the love I have for you. And in the end, I think you win because I dont think youd ever like to see me succeed after this. And I am ok with that. I am in love. And my love is true.

Please forgive me.

Monday, April 6th, 2009

Time:8:17 pm.
she flew down from the sun and left an imprint like shes always done...
...we walked to the ocean and under tacky neon lights...
the people around us made her feel uncomfortable but I just didnt want to hear it
we slept next to each other just to then dream of each other some more

only this time when I awoke I was able to keep dreaming
she stayed for a little while and I felt my home had come back to me
but her priorities managed to prioritize myself right out of any plans of hers

we laughed and I wanted to cry
we hugged and kissed but she wanted to let go
so I brought her back because she didnt want to stay
the sun warmed her heart so much she did not mind to leave me here

so she left
and she didnt look back

she flew back through the clouds and landed on the sun
and now I protect my eyes and I need shade
I can watch from afar as she sets and rises but its all I will ever do...
...watch and wait for its return

Now Ill close the curtains and blinds and ignore the bright outside
and whatever she lets me see

Id rather so much now, just to see the moon.
and sleep through sun rises.
Id rather so much live without the sun
than wonder when she'll warm me again.

Friday, February 13th, 2009

Time:9:02 pm.
devil girl, here's my heart to melt if you'd like... you see I've singed and I'm ready to hurt again... pathetic girl, here's my heart to melt if you'd like, but doesn't it burn when your words lose the flame? I would never run and turn my back, I think in fact, I'd scream is straight to your face... the cries were merely lies to turn my eyes from an all look girl... you're such an all look girl... and I'll say it to save myself in the end again and again and again... there will never be a you and me because you lied to me at the same time you cried to me, and all the while I died to see that you chose me the one to be... the one that you used, I would've done anything for you... it's so like you to drop one thousand words and eight hours at the wonder of a face behind a screen type typing away... you living is a waste of a perfectly healthy heart... you showed me what love is, a fairy tale that fades with age... I'd open my wrists to mend this hearts hurt to a bitter end if I dare again... your starlit silhouette on the side of a car light bright interstate I regret... for every kiss I regret, for every day I regret, for every apology that I regret, there's one thousand times the regret for giving you the time of day... I hope this ruins you 'cause I regret every ounce of you... and it seems the rain only brought more smiles and more happiness at that... and its safe to say I won't forget your face, but I can honestly say I won't forgive you

Wednesday, October 17th, 2007

Subject:friends
Time:3:26 pm.
does she know shes pushing me away?

Subject:friends
Time:3:24 pm.
Is a word we use everyday
Most the time we use it in the wrong way
Now you can look the word up, again and again
But the dictionary doesnt know the meaning of friends

And if you ask me, you know, I couldnt be much help
Because A friend is somebody you judge for yourself
Some are ok, and they treat you real cool
But some mistake kindness for bein a fool

We like to be with some, because they're funny
Others come around when they need some money
Some you grew up with, around the way
And you're still real close too this very day

Homeboys through the Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall
And then there's some we wish we never knew at all
And this list goes on, again and again
But these are the people that we call friends.
-whodini.

Friday, March 16th, 2007

Subject:the worst dream of my life
Time:3:35 pm.
it was a little bit rainy and cold getting dark... elizabeth, david, and myself were walking down a street and glanced over to see what looked like a house made into a business building with a sign on the roof outlined with lights. we walk in and find that its a place to go to have sex or to shoot guns. for some reason elizabeth recommended us all having sex for some reason. i wont sugar coat this at all since how ugly it sits with me. a tray is brought up to us by a woman dressed in black leather that barely covers herself and shes carrying a whip in her other hand. The tray contained different types of sex toys that had all been washed recently and were still wet. elizabeth kindly chooses two or three of them. an older person asked if they could join us, and we all agreed it would be alright... i started to please the person while elizabeth watched with david. i glance over and find that david and elizabeth are kissing each other and touching each others bodies. at first i didnt mind because its what we came there to do but then as elizabeth start taking off her pants, i started to think maybe it wasnt such a good idea. a moment later i look over and see that elizabeth is actually having sex with david. at this instant all i could do is hate. i never felt hate as much as i did. i got up and got dressed while the older person started to apologize saying they hadnt done this in so long that they forgot what to do - thinking it was their fault i was leaving. as i was looking for my shoes or the rest of my clothes elizabeth noticed that i was leaving and simply asked where i was going and if id be back. i remember feeling as thought the top of my mouth was completely dry but i wanted to conjur up spit so i could spit in her face. but i opened the door from the dimly lit, and musty room we were in and left. i passed the lady who had been walking around with the tray in her tight leather dominatrix outfit and left. at this point there was snow on the ground and i got into my car and drove. i then later saw david and he acted as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. but for some reason i kept telling myself that they are in love with each other and wanted nothing to do with both of them. i felt as though a knife was sticking out of my back. i drove to a family get together that was at some house on a hill i had never been to but as i was driving there i learned that elizabeht was there so i just kept driving. i drove back to the house or building where the dominatrix was, which now reminds me of the shed from my house in NY, and we talked as if we were friends. she wasnt wearing the leather but normal clothes and i guess could be considered flattering. i was reminded of maybe something that marilyn monroe would wear. she had put the tray full of sex toys down on the counter and showed me different types of guns that i could go shoot. so i chose one and fired it at the shooting range that was apart of the building. i had came back later maybe the next day and found myself having some sort of an attraction towards the dominatrix as she was showing me different types of guns and she recommended id try out two that she chose for me. as i was looking at them i looked up to see through a glass wall an old friends brother playing sony playstation with his asian girlfriend. he went over to give her a kiss as she layed across a shelf playing a football game. when i went back to looking at the guns the dominatrix picked out, she was walking away when i had her whip in hand and dangled it over her exposed back as she was walking away. she laughed a sly laugh as if she was tempting sex. i went and shot the guns and they were just as fun as she said they'd be. i started plotting out the way i was going to kill david and elizabeth with these guns when there was a voice in my ear saying i should talk to elizabeth to try to make things right, and that was when i woke up.

Friday, May 5th, 2006

Time:12:42 am.
waiting till time ends
seconds turn to hours
hours turn to days
days turn to years.
time never would stand still
and now i wish it would speed up
i am tired of this sea
tired of what it offers
absolutly nothing.
dark and nothing
like all its worth...
just like the people i sleep next to
worthless.
time is forever and forever is how i feel from you
i hate this time...
i hate this distance...
and i am through...

Sunday, April 9th, 2006

Time:3:17 am.
i wrote distance all over my wrist
and i had her number...
her voice over miles and i love you
was all that was said
zero times do i want this so far away
i feel like im much better off dead.
but then when time stops and comes to an end
love is real and i will live longer and thrive.

but there is so much time to wish and hope for
what you know will never happen

have you ever seen a thunder storm in the middle of the ocean?
black and flashes of white light replaced by grey walls of rain.
endless... so deep and endless and i want nohting to do with it.
nobody will ever know what it is like to be at sea if your not
doing what i am doing. you can not comprehend.

love is all that i have to hold onto
and i trust that it is there for me to come home to
and for me to wait for.
thunderstorms at sea will change you.
love is all that i have.

Wednesday, April 5th, 2006

Subject:out to sea...
Time:10:41 pm.
misery... empty... dark... hollow... cold...

depression is common among hearts whos still actually has a beat. when love is left on shore soon to head in opposite directions... married to the distance and traveling without her. what a horrible feeling of saddness and yearning. hoping for that day to come sooner. there is absolutly nothing to look forward to right now. dates are too far away and so far set in stone, hoping is useless... depression sets in and it sets in hard. what a way to live. falling back to the past and falling into what i thought i grew out of. its different to a certain degree but at the same time similar. 8 weeks of sea, 8 months of absence. i miss you elizabeth...



this sea is misery.

Sunday, January 22nd, 2006

Time:10:03 pm.
sUbLiNkLiT: your pathetic

Auto response from c0pe999: wish i was at the beach...

sUbLiNkLiT signed off at 9:59:09 PM.





this is liz pissed off because i didnt sign off line after i was on. she thinks i stay connected so girls can talk to me. and next after she reads this, she'll blame me for telling the world about everything that goes on between us because im fascinated with the internet and how everyone reads what i write? great.

but im pathetic.

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006

Time:10:34 pm.
she is war.

Time:10:30 pm.
when time is all it takes to move on
when all you wait for are the bad times
there isnt much else left to hold on to
when all it takes is a good time
an ok conversation or a second of laughter shared
with someone else, who you think you might know.
to move all that was and thought to be what is
when secrets are kept left to find
like a new discovery of what i already knew
i dont like to write 'i feel' but i feel like
im still searching for love
her love.

but all i keep finding are reasons not to love
and suspsicion that rots inside too afraid
to admit to so ill keep denying all the end
results.
possibilities.
chances.

of an end im too accustomed to but never could
quiet get used to.

theres never a spoken word of whos around
a spoken word of who shares that laughter
(youve always been good at making)
so ill just keep waiting
but waiting is never what it takes
because no matter how long i wait
the worst always happens at the most in-opportune time
but ill keep waiting
but ill keep waiting

im giving up.

Tuesday, January 17th, 2006

Time:12:45 pm.
I want to settle down. I'm tired of myself
and the building up for breaking down.
its a still-life overflow. I'm stuck below zero.

A flood of feeling in made-up meaning.
a rush until there is no remainder.
there is anchor.

But i wont stop kissing clocks until I find love.
and ill scream until we are no longer empty.

and youll be a heart beat away.
a black hole forming
that will dissolve and disintigrate into nothing.

why do we forget the things we thought we figured out?

Saturday, December 24th, 2005

Time:9:51 pm.
<
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<<______________[]_____________>>10000111100000000111111111111000101011111000111111
i am nothing i am nothing i am nothing iam nothing 143
where did you go? Where did you go? where did you go?
i am nothing I am nothing I am nothing

{ where did you go last night? }

Sunday, December 18th, 2005

Time:10:06 pm.
If I could open my arms
and span the length of the isle of Manhattan,
I'd bring it to where you are
making a lake of the East River and Hudson
And if I could open my mouth
wide enough for a marching band to march out of
they would make your name sing
and bend through alleys and bounce off other buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes
to see in all directions at the same time
Oh what a beautiful view
if you were never aware of what was around you
And it is true what you said
that I live like a hermit in my own head
but when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

Time:8:43 pm.
your more than the word love. more than the feeling. i keep looking for the right way to go about things. and keep failing. so im slowly giving in and giving up. what else is left? my heart is running thin... and this you know.

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